CATBANK

Even with my goggles strapped so tightly to my head that blood could not reach my scalp, even with my reflection blinding me out of my leather pants and a fishnet tanktop so distressed it actually makes me lighter; despite my darkest mascara and a European pomeade that requires acetone to wash out, I couldn't crack the encryption so I could jack into the blogger.com node yesterday. I crashed, baby. And I burned.

Thanks to Z3r05|_||\/|G4|\|g574 for jacking in with his cyberdeck and then removing his motorcycle helmet to reveal that he is actually a -- get this -- a she!! Everyone just assumed such an extreme hacker would have been a XY. There is a lesson for us all. And thanks to everyone who emailed re: the TopatoCo position. I didn't expect to get so many responses! I will get back to everybody after some more equipment comes in.

THE TROUBLE WITH PEANUTS

Packing peanuts be like coat hangers. No, I'd better not make that comparison -- there's simply too much temptation to make an abortion joke. We still haven't found The Poopmoster, but if he has indeed bowed out of this ethereal plane, we know he died the way he lived: like Luke Skywalker.

FRIGHT CLUB

Happy Fall-o-ween! Remember, we can't call it "Halloween" anymore because we must protect the children from anything that differs from traditional family values, values such as having your guts ripped out and being raped and tortured while also being on fire for all eternity because you had a dirty thought. Nothing scary about that!